She swims in the deepest waters.

Confident.
Courious.
Courageous.
Compassionate.

She doesn't eat the fish cause she knows they have feelings, too.

Change.

Oh the great mysteries of a new city. Turning unknown corners and analyzing new menus for traces of vegan food is exciting. Wondering where things are and when I will rediscover the feeling of "home". Perhpas, I have already found it. I look up to my blazing red house from the street and long for the newness of its history and lore. This house is a century old. With creeking wood floors and magnificant characteristics. I am already creating history of my own.

I am glad I am here.

Although, I will miss the Dirty South and some of its residents.

In case you give a shit...

Reduce, Recycle, Reuse: A Plan for Conservation
Preserving our natural and finite nonrenewable resources and discovering, developing, and employing alternative energy resource systems, requires more political action and implementation of stringent public policies. Lessening our dependence on oil and transitioning to the use of alternative resources will take time, money, and effort. Accordingly, the public policies I suggest will aim to reduce the total amount of energy consumption and waste instead of advocating an immediate adoption of alternative energy resources. Current issues surrounding the energy debate work politically to divide humanity rather than focusing on what a variety of individuals and businesses from both ends of the spectrum can do together to deter our problems. The energy dilemma is largely misinterpreted as being only an environmental issue. More realistically, it is more of a political, social, and economic issue.
Our dependence on oil comes from its great history, convenience, and cost. Douglas Reynolds argues, “[o]il fuels create[d] transportation possibilities never before dreamed of such as trucks, cars, and airplanes, which in turn created greater industrial specialization and greater economic mobility (Reynolds 167).” He claims that oil allows the use of internal combustion engines, which permits vehicles to be smaller and more versatile leading to a greater intensity of power per pound in an engine (166). Oil is easy to use and easy to store (163). Oil is a high-grade resource, which requires less capital and labor than low-grade resources to obtain energy making it a relatively cheap reserve. Low-grade resources, such as solar energy, are environmental saviors and promises of the future yet will provide economic hardships if employed in their current state of progress and technology. That is why focusing more on the total world reduction of energy consumption proves to be a feasible and efficient means to prevent further nonrenewable energy exhaustion and allow alternative resources to be better developed and funded. Although the world oil supply may be efficient for the next 25-100 years, we must make progressive changes and enforce environmentally constructive policies to avoid the pandemonium that will ensue when our precious resource finally depletes.
According to Michael Steinman, conserving and regulating energy use by utilizing public policies will do two major things. First, policies will encourage individual Americans to reduce the amount of energy he or she uses and wastes. Secondly, it will buy time to better develop alternative energy systems to be used as water and space heating devices and to fuel automobiles with biomass materials or direct solar energy (Steinman 148). “Complete policy analysis of solar energy demands clarification and incorporation of social values,” argues Steinman (147). Political thinkers realize that “solar energy would die on the vine without high level political, technological, and financial support so they formed a Solar Lobby to…promote solar energy (Bradford 22).” Further developing solar energy systems and policies are not the only way we can help ease our current and future energy predicament. The Government should intervene and enforce national policies regarding the use and consumption of energy.
In addition to encouraging the public to gain more local energy independence by the use of alternative energy systems, public policies should require:
• The use of more efficient utilities by individual consumers (specifically only products with Energy Guide and Energy Star labels)
• The use of fluorescent bulbs instead of incandescent bulbs in homes and office spaces; stricter rules on business lighting in order to avoid "over-illumination", which in the U.S. alone wastes 700 million barrels of oil per year (DOE website)
• Mandatory recycling of printer ink cartridges, which will use less energy to refill and reuse than to remake (Doe website)
• Cities to provide more incentives and laws requiring all residential and commercial environments to recycle every recyclable item by providing more curb-side pick up services and more readily available urban and rural recycling centers
• All homes to be audited annually for energy efficiency
• More funds granted to the Department of Energy in order to support, develop and maintain Integrated Biorefineries and research surrounding alternative energy means.
Alternative energy systems provide a promising future. Bermann and O’Connor argue that “[i]n addition to the environmental benefits of clean energy, solar water heaters cut a families utility bill by 20% or more, depending on the climate and on whether water had been heated previously with electricity, propane, or natural gas (12 Bermann and O’Connor).” The benefits clearly meet all needs by cutting costs and environmental pollution. Solar water heaters are not a new phenomenon. According to the research done by Bermann and O’Connor, solar water heaters existed over a century ago and were used in communal bathhouses (14). So why has solar energy become our “orphan?” Solar energy was widely adopted in the 1970’s but when oil became more affordable the motivation was lost. Oil remains the most easily accessible resource thus leaving behind solar energy use and adoption. By focusing on the conservation methods below we will eventually be able to develop solar energy systems that are as accessible, convenient and affordable as oil. However, in order for that to happen we need to substantially decrease our current dependence on fossil fuels.
According to the Department of Energy’s official website, the Federal Trade Commission requires Energy Guide labels on most home appliances. These labels provide an estimate of the product's energy consumption and efficiency. They also compare the energy consumption of competitive appliances. In addition, Energy Star labels appear on the appliances and home electronics that meet specific criteria established by the U.S. Department of Energy and U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. Consumers will find the Energy Star labels included on most home electronics and appliances. Consistent with the Department of Energy’s research, the Home Depot, who has been named Energy Star partner of the year two years in a row, proclaims that if just one in ten homes replaced their appliances with Energy Star qualified models; the amount of pollution introduced into the air would be reduced by 600 million pounds. The Home depot carries refrigerators, Dishwasher, Clothes Washer, Dehumidifier or Room A/C. Encouraging consumers to purchase only products that meet such strict efficiency will lead to a competitive market dedicated to making more efficient and practical products. Another policy that will eventually lead to the same commercial reaction concerns artificial lighting. With ENERGY STAR you can Change a Light and Change the World. “If every U.S. household changed their five most frequently used light fixtures (or the bulbs in them) to ENERGY STAR qualified lighting, it would keep more than one trillion pounds of greenhouse gases out of the air. This would also save a total of $6 billion in energy or approximately the annual output of 21 power plants. It's easy, just look for the ENERGY STAR label on fixtures, ceiling fans and bulbs.”
Researchers for the Department of Energy find that artificial lighting consumes almost 15% of a household's electricity use but the utilization of new lighting technologies can reduce lighting energy use in homes by 50%–75%.
You can use the chart below to compare the different types of lighting.

Lighting Comparison Chart (DOE)
Lighting Type Efficacy Lifetime Color Rendition Index Temperature
(lumens/watt) (hours) (K)
Incandescent
Standard "A" bulb 10–17 750–2500 98–100 2700–2800
Tungsten halogen 12–22 2000–4000 98–100 2900–3200
Reflector 12–19 2000–3000 98–100 2800
Fluorescent
Straight tube 30–110 7000–24,000 50–90 2700–6500
Compact fluorescent lamp 50–70 10,000 65–88 2700–6500
Circline 40–50 12,000
High-Intensity Discharge
Mercury vapor 25–60 16,000–24,000 50 3200–7000
Metal halide 70–115 5000–20,000 70 3700
High-pressure sodium 50–140 16,000–24,000 25 2100
Low-Pressure Sodium 60–150 12,000–18,000 -44

On the official website, Home Depot guarantees the following on their Energy Star Lighting products:
• Extended Life–In order to earn the ENERGY STAR, fixtures must last at least 10,000 hours. That means on average, you won't have to change a bulb for about seven years.
• Light Distribution– ENERGY STAR fixtures spread light more efficiently and evenly than standard fixtures.
• Better Warranties– ENERGY STAR fixtures carry a 2-year warranty. That's double the standard.
• Safety– ENERGY STAR fixtures operate at a lower temperature; yet provide the same amount of light. This reduces the risk of fire, especially when compared to halogen lighting.
Benefits of Fluorescent bulbs:
• Saves $308 over life of bulb
• Lasts 13 times longer than traditional incandescent bulb
• Same appearance as incandescent bulb
• Fits most fixtures an incandescent bulb will fit
• Eco Options approved product
• Use 66% less energy than standard bulbs
• Last up to ten times longer than standard bulbs
• Save about $25 in energy costs over the life of the bulb
• Operate at lower temperatures, which are safer and help cut cooling costs
If every U.S. household replaced just one light bulb with an ENERGY STAR qualified Compact Fluorescent Light Bulb (CFL), it would prevent the same amount of pollution, as would removing one million cars from the road. The bulbs are only $7.99 each. The 23-watt spiral uses 75% less energy than a 100-watt incandescent equivalent and lasts 13 times longer (Home Depot Website).
As one can deduce from the aforementioned explanations and light bulb comparisons, fluorescent lights only use 25%-35% of the energy that standard incandescent lights use. In addition, fluorescent lights also put out the same illumination and last 7,000-24,000 hours, which is ten times longer than incandescent lighting. Improvements in technology have resulted in fluorescent lamps with color temperature and color rendition that are comparable to incandescent lamps. However, just utilizing the available means of fluorescence is not enough. Businesses need to avoid using unnecessary amounts of artificial lighting, both occupied and unoccupied spaces.
“Over-illumination” is a term invented by the Department of Energy to describe the amount of wasted energy from excessive artificial lighting. Over-illumination is the act of using disproportionate and unnecessary amounts of light to perform certain tasks. This happens quite often in businesses. According to the Department Of Energy’s official website, “unneeded overnight lighting of office buildings, forsaking available natural light, underutilization of occupancy sensors, and under-using discretionary light controls” are all forms of wasteful “over-illumination.” We must only use the energy we really need and no more. This key idea is also apparent in the following energy-efficiency policy suggestions.
Mandatory annual home and business auditing will help curb some of the excess energy use in both private and public sectors. Technology has improved the efficiency of most appliances, however, lifestyle changes have increased our use of resources. According to the Department of Energy, “the average size of homes built in the United States has increased significantly, from 1500 ft² in 1970 to 2300 ft² in 2005.” This striking increase in living space requires more energy to operate more heating and cooling systems, more lighting, more electronics, and appliances. According to the Department of Energy, certain appliances such as a waterbed, hot tub, or pre-1990 refrigerator use significant amounts of electricity and should be avoided. Our increase in material assets as well as our excessive waste of energy has helped propel us into our current energy crisis. Fortunately, there are solutions to this growing problem.
The best environmental advice is always: Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle. Many small items in our lives can be reduced, reused, and then recycled. For example, many companies provide information on how to recycle your old printer ink cartridges right on the cartridge itself. In fact, some companies offer free shipping for recycling old ink cartridges. Four resourceful companies, which provide recycling services of old ink cartridges, are as follows:
1. Laser-Tone International, at (800) EARTH-58.
2. Eco-Office, at www.eco-office.com
3. Environmental Laser, at (800) 442-8391
4. International Cartridge Recycling Association, at (202) 857-1154
In addition to recycling ink cartridges, every day items such as aluminum, glass, and paper can be easily recycled. Recycling prevents useful material resources from being wasted, reduces the consumption of crude materials and reduces energy usage, which leads to greenhouse gas emissions. All environmental issues are intrinsically linked. The lack of enforced legislation on recycling leads to many environmental, social, and political issues.
For example, aluminum can be recycled indefinitely. This means, that if every piece of aluminum were recycled then we would not ever have to produce new aluminum from virgin materials. Aluminum, unlike paper that requires small amounts of wood fibers to complete the recycling, can be reused without excess energy. The International Aluminum Institute explains that the bauxite/aluminum mines in Brazil and Scandinavia will be put to rest, which will eliminate the displacement of indigenous people. In addition, researchers at International Aluminum Institute argue that recycling aluminum saves 95% of the energy cost of processing new aluminum because the melting temperature is reduced from 900 °C to 600 °C. It is by far the most efficient material to recycle.” Paper and glass can also be recycled, greatly reducing the amount of energy used to produce more.
In order to make recycling more accessible, the Government needs to develop more efficient curbside recycling systems as well as more available recycling centers. In addition to recycling every day items, we also need policies that will enforce reusing and recycling organic waste. Large-scale composting plants are needed to turn our massive amounts of organic waste (household food waste, agricultural waste, human and animal waste) into environmentally sound biogas used to heat homes and offices more efficiently. Using our waste to create a sustainable energy supply for the world economy is a very progressive, practical, and attainable goal.
The Department of Energy has big plans for using biomass or organic waste to produce liquid fuels but more support and funding is necessary. The U.S. Department of Energy created a Biomass Program in order to further develop technology needed to convert biomass to valuable fuels. Utilizing biomass will not only reduce our dependence on foreign oil but also eliminate our use of nonrenewable resources. Biomass uses include ethanol, biodiesel, biomass power, and industrial process energy.
We need a complete overhaul of policies regarding energy resources. Although it is difficult to adjust to major shifts in policies in America, it is absolutely crucial that progressive steps be made in order to preserve our resources. Until these policies are enforced we will continue to rapidly deplete our nonrenewable resources. Optional participation will not suffice. We must collectively work to reduce the total amount of energy used as to allow adequate time to develop better alternative energy systems. The time for change is now.


Works Cited



Electronic Sources:

Department of Energy


Home Depot


World-Aluminum.org





Books:

Berman, Daniel M and John T. O’Connor. Who owns the Sun: People, Politics, and the Struggle for a Solar Economy.Vermont: Green, 1996.

Bradford, Travis. Solar Revolution. Massachusetts: MIT, 2006.

Reynolds, Douglas B. Scarcity and Growth, Considering Oil and Energy: An Alternative Neo-Classical View. Wales: E.Mellen, 2002.

Steinman, Michael. Energy and Environmental Issues. Massachusetts: Lexington, 1979.

Doe

The Dirty "L" word

Conversations about love between the happy lovers and the frustrated lovers are like roller coasters eventually crashing hard onto a dramatically lit theatrical stage.

And there the words dance around in and out of the spotlight.

I love love. I love being loved. I love making love. I love wanting love. I love finding love. I love refinding love. I love others' love. I love knowing my loved ones are loved. I love loving my loved ones.

You see we all have love. And we are all loved.

Love exceeds life-long partnerships.

If you are reading this, I probably have love for you. So know that and be at peace.

Reclaiming my Power

I will take control of the accumulation of personal strength and power that each individual should gain through daily encounters with family,friends and lovers. The temporal relationships between self and "others" manifests itself through many feelings. It is filtered and then tagged with feelings of mercy, joy, lust, envy, hate, complacency and trust--to name a few.

How can I leave behind the negative world I have created where I second-guess my own decisions and even reflection in the mirror?

First, I drink more Yerba Mate'.
Second, I listen to more Tool.
Third, I grow my hair long.
Fourth, I get my hands dirty with oil pants.
Fifth, I howl at the moon.

That should start me off on the right path.

Again.

Doomed

It is inevitble. I am gonna have to "serve somebody". In addition to myself and my child. I am gonna have to "serve somebody". And believe them over someone else. Over myself. Too many specialists, professionals, and intellectuals. And I will take their advice and trust that they know what they are talking about. Because they care about me, right? And more often than not, it will not be a person on my team. It will be the "other". The person that is currently at top of the polls. On top of their reading of classics or the one that has caught the best of Hollywood's attention.

(South Beach Diet, Atkins Diet, Diet Soda's, Diet frickin' Cupcakes...They will save your life! Instead of working out just deprive your body of fatty foods! Yup, especially in obese children, that is sure to help their brains develop!)

Yes.

I am gonna have to "serve somebody".

They will have control over my seemingly uncontrollable destiny.

They will tell me that I cannot adequately maintain proper protein and calcium in my diet because I am a vegan. Perhaps, I will have osteoperosis by my early 30's. Red meat is the only source for iron, Karla.

Are they right?

They will say they are.

Will they let me down gently?

No.

I am gonna have to "serve somebody."

I am prey to the powerful, almighty, forces that are not at work in Nature but in Big Business. Forces at work with the false reality of the media and then of course the neurons-firing in my head that lead me astray from time to time.

I think within the next decade the only thing I will say for sure will is :
I am never alone when I am alone.

Because They are always watching.

It is getting harder and harder to live.

Drenched in the Sun

Oct. 12th 2006
The dispelled notion of timelessness has redirected itself into a black hole of perpetual ticking clocks. I feel the seconds, the minutes, the moments…but when the day falls and sleep persists to claim my attention, I fall farther away from time. D ays leave and months close and I realize I am not far from death.


November 16th 12:07 am
Leaves are sleeping alone below me in the murky current of sewage. Each thick drop of rain crashes against the tin of my faux roof, beckoning my attention. I turn to them, thanking them for their selflessness. Like ice, they forfeit the state in which they reside to return to the place they call home. I, a woman in this wretched world, will do the same.

March 3rd, 2007

Over.

And over.

I sit among my brothers and sisters, yet I am unable to rejoice in the familial glow.

A Great Division plagues this room and no eyes have meet mine.

Humility temporarily binds us together but will soon vanish like Earth’s dying landscape.

This game has no beginning only an end.

And over again.

1-03-2006

TO SPEAK OF LOVE-

LOVE IS LIKE A LOOSE GRIP LETTING GO EVEN MORE LOOSELY-
EASILY DRIFTING IN AND OUT OF SMALL TOWNS AND BIG CITIES-
CLIMBING ENDLESS STAIRS TO A GYPSY WOMAN'S POWDER ROOM
FINDING HER PUTTING PINS IN A DOLL RESEMBLING YOURSELF.

LOVE TURNS CHANNELS AND SELLS PRODUCTS;
LOVE INVITES YOU IN FOR DINNER WHILE SECRETLY SALIVATING
AT THE THOUGHT OF YOUR OWN PRECIOUS MEAT.

LOVE KEEPS YOU ASLEEP AND WAKES YOU UP.
LOVE IS A TOWER OF SONGS AND I AM SINGING BITTERLY.

Is there anybody out there?

During the first seventeen months of my journey down Parentage Lane, I have carved a cave out of urbanization where I casually and safely perch at all times. Even while engaging in the inevitable social settings of the outside world, I remain in my sacred space. No eye contact. (What has happened to me?) I have fortified this safe place by disregarding the pressures of societal expectations of connubial relations with my partner, securing an entourage of peers that accept, encourage, and emulate my life-style, and avoiding the outside world of critics, oppressors and drooling, snotty, diseased youngsters and their mums and pops. (The kid as never been sick!) Doing so has allowed me to completely surpass the inevitable struggles of raising a breast-oriented, unvaccinated, vegan babe in this world, with my radical and over-analytical mind full of thoughts such as: “keep your hateful, fucked-up school system and its ill-teachings away from my holy kid”, or “ No you fucking idiot, just cause she intakes my breast milk does not mean that my vegan child wants your shitty puddin’ cause it is “dairy-based like my milk”(HA!) or how about this one: “I really don’t want her to go to the slumber party cause they will force her to eat foods with processed sugar and animal-products”. Am I really the weird, anal-retentive mother that I recall from my youth? The one that ruins all of the fun cause she imposes “different” regulations and rules on her child? Or will my child love the way we do the things we do? Will she understand that animals are her equals? Will she love and support our holy notion of Veganism? HEY MAMAS OUT THERE THAT UNDERSTAND- I NEED YOU! Let’s take over the world and create a friendlier place to raise children! A place where “they” don’t judge and ridicule our choices as parents! A place that supports and understands the very breadth of a hard-working stay-at-home-mama. Shit ain’t easy, yo!

I can feel my safe temple crumbling as I am moving more into the light and dark of the outside world. A world where family is right around the corner and we will no longer have the excuse of “well, we don’t really know anybody or really any place that is babe-friendly, so let’s just hang around at home where mama can be topless so the babe can suckle as she pleases, daddy can put his pj’s back on at 3 in the afternoon and watch The Daily Show and Colbert Report reruns, and where we don’t have to worry about scheduling our lives around social gatherings or plans—cause ya know, we are hardcore homebodies.” How will I react to the outside world? How will I react to society and its fangs and claws plunging at my throat? How can I express to the “others” that I don’t like the idea of public schools, even though I come from a long line of teachers? How will I remain close to my child when I need to make financial ends meet? This child needs to run in grass and pick wildflowers not fall on concrete and mounds of chicken bones.

I want to live under the Golden Canopies. Run free. Drink pure water. Eat good food.

Oh, dearest bubble; don’t burst on me now…you control the Monster of Anxiety that is caused by Post-Partum Depression.

The calm is dying as the sun begins to set beneath the thunderclouds.

Civil Inequality

Our country is allowing unconstitutional inequality to plague our homosexual community. Not only should the government permit “contractual civil unions between gays and lesbians as a matter of equality and fairness,” they should permit and advocate equal marriage rights, equal acknowledgement of those rights, and equal respect of those rights. In addition to providing equality to all citizens by allowing same-sex marriages to occur, the American public and government should focus on the usefulness of same-sex marriages.
An individual’s unalienable rights, as declared in the Declaration of Independence, are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. Homosexual American citizens are just as deserving of these unalienable rights as heterosexual American citizens. Impeding on a homosexual individuals right to legally commit his or herself to a member of the same gender in a legally binding contract is in direct violation of his or her right to pursue happiness, right to obtain privacy, right to be treated equal and have equal protection under the laws. We must learn to balance the interests of individuals (including individuals that are homosexual) with the interests of the general public, state governments, and national government. If we continue to perpetuate civil inequalities and our strong democratic government continues to fail in alleviating this discrimination, we are surely headed in resolution by revolutionary force. We cannot continue to violate certain minorities’ fundament rights. Oppressed minorities seeking freedom founded our country. Those particular founding fathers declared to protect minority rights by ratifying the fourteenth amendment, which states:
All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law, which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of laws (qtd. in Wayne, Mackenzie, Cole 625).
Same-sex marriage is still controversial in the eyes of traditional, conservative members of society, and more importantly the judges on the Supreme Court. The idea of same-sex marriage also stimulates federalism issues of power between state and national governments. Can the national government force the individual state governments to uphold other states decisions to allow same-sex marriages in regard to the “full faith and credit” notion? These issues will not be resolved without controversy, yet it is crucial that we proactively engage them. As Stephen Wayne, Calvin Mackenzie, and Richard Cole argue, “Indeed, whenever the Court sides with the individual or with a minority against the state, its decision will be controversial” (136). Similarly, focusing on the benefits of same-sex marriages is still controversial.
Instead of imposing on the unalienable rights of homosexuals, opponents of same-sex marriages should busy themselves by advocating saving millions of orphaned children’s lives. Two inexplicably linked salient issues in the world can refute arguing that marriage should be restricted to heterosexual couples based solely on the biological need to procreate: overpopulation and orphaned children. Allowing homosexual couples the right to marry and adopt some of the millions of orphaned children worldwide will aid in our crippling overpopulation crisis. This basic premise is only one of the many reasons to support the fundamental right for homosexuals to have equal marriage rights.
Homosexual couples are not demanding unfair, bias rights; they are demanding basic, equal rights that heterosexual couple’s are so easily granted. Until this issue is resolved, we will remain a society that harbors minority discrimination and inequality: a condemning characteristic we have spent decades trying to overcome.

A Typical Day, in our Typical Way

What do we do to pass the time? How will I remember this period and phase of my life? I am almost 24 years old, which seems so young to me. It is hard to grasp numbers and what they mean. What have I done for 24 years on planet Earth? How have I grown? Have I been a cooperative vessel or have I stunted my physical and spiritual growth? ( insert dry joke from my dad that he repeats over and over at family gatherings:" Well, hehe, Karla stunted her growth by smoking cigarettes at such a young age.") Okay pops, funny, funny. We have laughed a million times....Although, now that I think of it you are pretty short yourself. By your logic, you are either keeping something from us, or perhaps we are both genetically shorter than others.

Huh.

Anyway, what I have I done? Well, I have breastfed, I have learned my shapes and colors (without you BABY EINSTEIN), I have urged forward and onward...I am now a mother, a transient being that absorbs emotional, factual, and subconscious influneces. I turn those influneces into adaptable and viable resources for emotional, physical, and spiritual survival. I am becoming myself again and again year after year. And on Feb. 8th I will have renewed myself 24 times.

SO, what is it that I really do to pass time? I spend virtually every waking moment with my little child. WE HAVE to have goals that are timed to survive. So, we laugh, we read, we watch dvd's and public broadcasting television shows, we cuddle, we sleep, we build things out of nothing. We bathe. We sing and snicker. We run in circles...

We change. We move to the beats of our hearts. We plot to take over the world...Or at least create a space to exist peacefully.
We eat good food. We listen to good music. We find comfort in breastfeeding, which we love and love...

Most importantly, we learn from eachother.

I teach her restraint and she teaches me spontaneity...

Sweet Songbird at Sixteen Months

Photographic documentation of the subtle changes in my daughter over the months, really, really, really freaking excites me. Here ya go... 16 months and ONWARD WE MARCH!

State of Repose

Let us consider being still. Extroidinarily still. Like a praying mantis. No movement. No busy mind. Just allowing yourself to engage in the deep melancholy of all the things happening in and around you.

I know we all have urgencies, duties, and obligations, but it is necessary to be calm.

To Recharge.

To be Still. Motionless. Quiet. Introspective. Bare.

Even the Hummingbird Rests. The bustling, wild, eccentric, energetic, lively, and tiring Hummingbird.

It only takes one moment to stop and sing to yourself,
"I am breathing in, I am breathing out. And this is all I really have to do."

(Now if only Salem could appreciate this.)

I Have Learned To Use My Hands

I am learning to rely less on others. I am learning to survive with less affection and love from a multitude of other people. Perhaps this was not my aim, but I am easily adapting to this new sense of freedom. I draw from the few people that I need and love, some are far and some are near. I have retired from my past as well as my future. The ever-present Now is my manifestation. I do not need to look beyond or behind myself any longer.

The food I eat serves a greater purpose.
The words I read inspire me more.
The words I write relieve me, create me, and perpetuate substantial growth within me.
The loved ones I cherish extend an abundance of love to me.
The love I have I extend in abundance to my loved ones.
I find a more sacred space for myself in between breaths.
I have learned to release objects, feelings, people, and places that do not serve me.
I have grown towards acceptance and buried rejection.
I know how to release the tension held in the small space between my eyes.
I have learned to use my hands.
I am at peace with my solitude.

I am a good woman.

"Collective Progress" or "On Waking Up Tomorrow"

Did you know that the rain falling onto the N.E. seaboard of the United States, Eastern Canada, and California, Oregon, and Washington is as acidic as tomato juice? We are relying too heavily on burning coal (coal has sulphur and burning it creates sulpheric acid which, directly produces acid rain).

It kills fish.
Think about that.

That means it is also in your drinking water. Hope your cities have the funds to go to great lengths to extract some of the 200+ hazardous materials in drinking water...

And another thing...

Did you know that it will only take a 12 cm rise in sea level to flood cities on coastlines such as New York or Los Angeles? Currently, the sea levels are rising because of the melting glaciers...And the levels will only continue to rise.

And come on people, stop building your shitty homes on geological disaster zones...

I know, you don't know any better. Neither do I. But we should and we can. It just takes effort.

I don't want to build or buy a home that rests on top of an old waste dumping site. Nor do I want to build or buy a home that is on an active fault( all faults that have been active in the past 10,000 years are still considered "active") , in flood zones ( the process of flooding from rivers is usually a few meters per second) or at the base of a potential landslide. First, we are running out of room and that "forces" us to develop on inhabitable land. (So hey, you religious conservatives, stop refusing to embrace contraceptives, same-sex marriage, and abortions. If we put our personal opinions aside about those things then maybe we could help with our BLATANT overpopulation crisis on Earth...Wow, did I really just put that out there?)

Second, we are greedy and work too fast making decisions that can only afford us temporary satisfaction. Just because we want to build on that gorgeous cliff doesn't mean over time we won't just slide right off into the ocean due to weak rocks beneath the foundation of our home or an eathquake that shakes, shakes, and shakes the foundation loose. Can't you see that my concern is for both the precious, beloved, environment and equally my precious, beloved brothers and sisters?

Don't get me wrong. I am not an expert on environmental geology or engineering. But, I am taking a small amount of time out on this Saturday evening to consider the relationship between Humans and Nature.

And For Fuck's Sake, start recycling. That is a very small and usually effortless contribution ( unless you live where I live and instead of a nice little recycling pickup at your curb you have to drive to three separate places ranging 10-45 minutes away in order to properly recycle all of the recyclable objects you "use"...yes, it does take effort, but ususally Salem gets a good nap in during that time anyway) to prolonging our resources on Earth.

If you have made it this far in this post, I love you. Please know that. Because it will take people like you to make things better round here.

Crucified on the Dentist's Chair

I assume we all agree that teeth are important. They allow you to comfortably smile, communicate and maintain your status as a bi-pedal, symbol-using, chewing mammal. They are a neccessary part of your daily endeavors. Or at least, our teeth are crucial assisstants in turning our food into an easier and more digestible consistency (especially for your meat eaters). So, why then, is it so expensive and virtually impossible to maintain our pearly whites?

Even a flossing, tooth-brusing nazi like myself has been having unfathomable dental issues. And it doesn't help that the two most influential men in my life are so practical and headstrong and question every single thing that the dentists have been feeding me. I am at a loss. I cannot separate the dentists bullshit from their truth any longer. In order to spare you the largely boring details of the past few months of my dental visits, let me just say that I find it hard to believe that one fucking tooth can cost thousands of dollars to maintain. And I find it even harder to imagine that one 1500.00 procedure performed less than one month ago would render my tooth in such a condition that the next necessary step cannot possibly happen. How can these doctors continue to (mal)practice and take thousands and thousands of our dollars and get away with perpetually taking us half the way there? Or in some cases one thirsd the way there.

I am beyond my usual field of compassion and understanding and have entered the realm of utter skepticsm and resentment.

I sat in that damn chair two times, three hours each session to perform a root canal retreat only to get referred to the dentist in the next suite who would tell me that the 1500.00 procedure will have to be completely overhauled to perform the next step.

Times like these, I really wish I wasn't just a damn number or dollar sign. I wish they knew my name and feared me. I wish, as a minimum as a human on this ridiculously god-fearing planet, they would at least be honest.

Come on you damn dentists, didn't you learn in bible school that honesty is important to God?

Concerning Ego

'The shadow', says Jung, 'is a moral problem which challenges the whole ego personality'; it is moreover a social problem of immense importance, which should not be underestimated. No one is able to realize the shadow without considerable moral resolution, and some reorientation of his standards and ideas. Jung hints that no redemption is possible without tolerance and love - attitudes that have proved fruitful in dealing with the social renegade, but that we do not usually think of applying in any constructive way to ourselves.

Nothing Compares To You

I can barely remember the bareness of the woman I was in the past. Surely I was more radiant, more dynamic, and disobedient, right? Surely the potion of rituals I drank which consumed my reality and allowed for the sense of freedom associated with youth, aided in my glory. No? Well, I am skeptical of the distance I used to have with myself. In this temporary moment, sitting among the possessions that create my current home, catching fabric on my broken fingernails, brushing the loose hair away from my eyes, and moving my body so subtlety to the fucking outrageously heart-wrenching vocals of Sinead O Connor, I see that I am a shell of the past; a ring in the trunk of a tree; a mountain underwater; a bouncing marble; a selective, super-sensical, soul-fearing, sacrificial, sacrosanct; sipping slowly from the reserve of energy alive in all things. Shall I bow before the image of myself in the half-lit, foggy bathroom mirror, only to show my obedience and loyalty to this nurturing current of electricity I have become? Or is that the job of my lover or my daughter? Should I still remain humble in this transition or can the touch of sunshine turn me to stone? My skin feels like the sight of water dripping from a dying petal.

Yes, I disengage whenever possible.

Laden Anxiety Surrounding a Broken Babe

The day is dismal and elated and it isn’t even noon. If the hands of the clock didn’t say 11:48 a.m. I swear I would get back into my pajamas and get in bed. To my dismay, I have only begun to conquer the hours of this day. Currently, Salem is sleeping on the afghan covered orange couch. She went effortlessly, presumably because she had just annihilated her chin on the wooden knee of Buddha. (She has a load of defense mechanisms.) The proof is on the right side of my gray tank top where a ghostly shaped, crusty smudge of Salem’s blood casually sits.

Let me back up.

We pull in the tight parking space in front of our loft building. With two sticky, old coffee cups in one hand, a heavy bag full of Composition theory books strapped to my back and a restless child on my right hip, we make our way through the drizzle, up the stairs to the elevator. She loves the elevator. Every single time she must stand alone, banging on the glass watching the trees get farther away. Finally, the heavy metal door cascades open and out tumbles Salem. Crash number 10 of the day. Every crash is equally as gut wrenching and tormenting. Down the long and narrow, fluorescent concrete hallway I can see the doormat that screams “HOME” and “MORE COFFEE”. Of course, the hanging red fire extinguisher on the empty white wall captures her attention. Here we stand. Here we always stand. She touches, pokes and examines the extinguisher and finally decides we can proceed on the rugged journey to our loft.

Insert key, turn handle.

Success.

We are home. It is warm and smells like coffee. Perfect.

I turn to the sink where I anticipate placing the dirty coffee cups. A tower of menacing dishes greets me. Plan B. I just sit the cups along the edge. Dishes can wait. I am tired. I am feverish. I unload the backpack and turn to find Salem. I see her turn the corner around the counter and head towards the living room. I am right behind her. One inch too far behind. Apparently, she trips on her own feet and falls in a violent heap onto the life size Buddha. I hear her chin crack on his lotus positioned knee. I know what comes next. The painful and terribly long moment of silence where her face is frozen in an “o”. Next, a high-pitched, agonizing bloody scream of pain follows. I pick her up hoping her teeth aren’t broken, hoping she didn’t hurt herself too badly. I coax her into a relaxing state by singing little tunes, nursing her and loving her. She falls to sleep within minutes. It is well after her departure into dreamland that I see the blood stain on my shirt. I am still unsure where the source is.

Somewhere within her, a wound needs my healing.

Dirty South

The smell of bbq chicken wings and 40 oz. cans of Schlitz malt liquor linger in the air…Nothing like living in the Dirty South. Especially off of Whitehall and McDaniel streets. Across the street is a convenience store that is protected by a wall of bars. Inside is a cashier that never breathes the same air as his customers. Connected to this store is "Wings R Us". You name it; they'll supply the flavor. At night, the lights of Turner Field create a halo over this skeleton of commerce. Across the street from this over-priced convenience store is yet another four-star restaurant. Only they are more ambitious than the wings place across the street. They serve Philly cheesesteaks along with chineiese food and “the best wings in the South”. Yeah, I spelled it right.
C-H-I-N-E-I-E-S-E, according to the owner of the restaurant. Apparently he or she passed high school geography class. Anyway, we live day-to-day hearing sirens and trains and the pitter-patter of horses hooves from the ever-so-loved carriage horses. They live their lives pulling a sleigh full of rich tourists around the ghostly city of Atlanta. They shit in buckets attached to their asses and have vision blockers on so they can’t see past a straight line ahead of them Yeah, they are living the good life. I wish I could be beat into submission for wanting to not pull thousands of pounds of flesh behind me. So the horses live in stables really close to us and we hear them whipped and trotting all the way home. Nothing like living in outdoor stables that are right beside the busiest interstate of the south to avoid air pollution…Anyway, the days of our South gangster living are coming to an end sometime in the next two years for sure. If anyone reading this knows that I am still here after Jeremy and I graduate I give you permission to poison our wine glasses.